The Conception of Fox
A story of infertility, healing and calling in my spirit baby
I conceived my son the night of June 26th, 2023. I thought it would be fitting to share this a year from that date… and to also bring the awareness to my heart that that means Fox has been in my life for a year now! *Cue the mama crying happy tears*
The small upper unit of the house we’ve rented is finally starting to feel like a home to us. Everything is organized and I’m starting to get into a good flow with cooking, cleaning and working.
This is the perfect place to continue growing my business, but I can’t help but continue thinking “what’s next?” And having absolutely no clear answer to that question. I ponder it often as I stroll through the house, making sourdough and eventually going for walks along the river.
What is next?
I can’t seem to answer this simple question, so I just keep dropping it, surrendering.
I am very fertile today, a feeling and knowing I’ve worked hard to create in my body with the tinctures and healing I’ve cultivated over the last 3 years. I’ve been avoiding my husband all day, he always knows when I’m ovulating… he becomes more tender and sweet. We flop hard into bed after a long day and drift off with a simple kiss goodnight.
A gentle movement against me wakes me up. I open my eyes to find the room laden with stars, all of them floating and gently vibrating as if in anticipation of something that is to come. I wonder what it is…?
I now realize that the gentle movement is my husband touching me… his body showing clear signs of desire. He has never in the 10 years of our relationship woken me up for this purpose… “what is happening?” I say.
He wakes up (he was asleep?) Removes his clothes, removes mine just as quickly, and we make love. It feels different… somehow it’s sweeter. The stars floating in the room vibrate faster… I begin to know what is happening and I’m shocked. Finally we both arrive together and all the stars rush into my womb. A clear knowing rushes through me that life has arrived there.
My husband gets up, runs to the bathroom and returns to fall back into a deep sleep.
I’m still lying there, deeply present with the knowing of what we just created inside of me. I repeat the words in my head “I’m not ready, I’m not ready, I’m not ready…” and a deep, male voice responds gently and firmly “Yes. You are.” It calms me. I get up to pee, return and fall back to sleep.
In the depths of my sleep I begin to sleep a man with long hair, about as long as shoulder length… I start to wonder in the dream if this is my child. But suddenly I see that the man is holding a baby. They turn to face me and I realize immediately that the man is Jesus, and he is holding a sleeping baby boy. Jesus looks up at me with his amber eyes and I wake up.
It’s morning, I know instantly that I’ve just witnessed my son in the arms of Jesus.
I wake up, sit down for my morning tea to enjoy with my husband. Finally, after what feels like forever but was probably only 15 minutes or so, I work up the courage to say “I think we made a baby last night”
He perks up in his lazyboy chair, and says “Oh yeah?”, and then simply responds… let’s wait and see if you miss your period.
The next few weeks go by and I find myself asking him over and over again, some version of the question: “If I was pregnant, what would have to change? How would you feel? What would you do?”… and he continues to respond, let’s just wait to see if you miss your period.
But… I knew.
The life inside my womb was already communicating with me and I felt a strong desire to scream it at him… I AM PREGNANT THOUGH!!!
I allow him to go through his own process with it though as I’m going through mine. I begin to think of a baby in the home we’ve just rented and already it starts to feel way too small for them. If I think too hard on what has to change externally, it feels overwhelming, so instead I just think about the baby.
There’s a baby inside of me. I just keep saying it to myself. I turn my morning meditation into baby connection time and quickly, this little boy won’t stop talking to me about how excited they are to come and how much they already love us. It’s remarkable.
Finally the day arrives, I’m only two days late for my period. Most wouldn’t even count this as being late, but my years of infertility, hormone balancing tinctures and persistent cycle tracking with the fertility awareness method have seasoned me enough to know my body and that I am always on time. 28 days, every time.
I tell Timothy that I’ll take a test on Friday with the first morning pee, and he says ok. On Friday I forget, so I take it first thing on Saturday.
It just happened that Timothy had a massive allergy attack that morning of July 15th. He woke up sneezing like crazy. I get up and he’s already sitting in his chair, tissues stuffed up his nose. I put the kettle on to make him a nettle tea and run to the bathroom. It takes me little time to take the test, I didn’t even look at it as I knew I was pregnant. The stars had already appeared to me but also because my breasts were heavier and the whites of my eyes were crystal clear.
I see that it’s a positive and tuck it away temporarily until Timothy is feeling better to receive the news.
I go back out to the kitchen and make him his nettle tea with local honey. He sips it and begins to feel better.
After about an hour I had to pee again, so I go to the bathroom and intentionally place the test in plain view for him to see the next time he goes to the bathroom.
{Little did I know that at this time he thinks I’ve taken the test and found it to be negative because I’ve already gone to the bathroom and not said anything. He figures, it must be negative and she’s upset about it…}
I start making breakfast for him and he says “I just have to run to the bathroom and then I’ll help”, I say “Okay” and my heart skips a beat at what he’s about to discover.
Suddenly I hear from around the corner… “What???!?!?!”
He comes running out and says through tear-filled eyes “Really?!?”
“Yes” I respond.
He hugs me so tight and tender, pulls away, gets down on his knees and says to my womb “Hello!”
He gets back up and gives me a kiss and says “We’re gonna be parents!” with the biggest and brightest smile I’ve ever seen grace his tear-streaked face.
We spend the rest of the day at the market, going for a walk and enjoying a movie with him randomly and periodically saying “WOW!” like he cannot believe this gift!
It was the beginning of many blessings we would receive from our son…
